Dear Child of Mine,

I have opened up new blog post after new blog post and haven’t seemed to muster the clarity to speak to you. There are so many monumental events going on right now, all stories worthy to be told. More pictures have been taken in the last month than I have in the last twelve.

I’ve walked around town taking photos of the sites I want to remember.
I attended the final girls group.
Eccles Piano Studio held its final recital.
My mom and grandma came to the recital and helped me start packing.
We hung out with friends on Memorial Day.
We went through the second round of IUI and we’re waiting to see if this round was successful.
I’ve been a busy little bee, filling box after box every day for 2 weeks.
Your daddy’s family made the long drive to attend his ordination.
Our church held a potluck party in our honor.
The youth group met for the last time.
I’ve had 2 or 3 “appointments” or “scheduled socializing” with friends every single day for a week.
I played piano and sang for our friends’ wedding.
We’re leaving Sunday for a week long youth camp speaking engagement in California.
Two days after we return, we pack up the UHaul.
Oh, yes, and we’re moving back to Michigan.
AND your Daddy is going to be a senior pastor!

Holy smokes. That’s a lot isn’t it?

And that’s just the “big” stuff. I can hardly remember the little stuff. I’ve been on the phone with insurance companies getting quotes on auto and home insurance. I’ve turned in our address change to the USPS. I’ve made reservations for family camp at Somerset Beach. I’ve started down the checklist of companies to notify of our new address.

I want to tell you about my running, and why I love it, and what pitfalls I have to avoid. I need to confess how poorly I have been eating today, because I’ve allowed stress to win. I want to tell you how much I genuinely love healthy foods like kale and spinach and sweet potatoes and eggs, and how I hope you will too.

You should hear about all the walks your dad and I have been taking and the long conversations we’ve had. You should know I feel so loved by him, and how much I love to listen to his dreams and plans for this new congregation.

My mind is cluttered with thoughts of decor and design in our new-yet-not-new-to-us home. I have paint colors and furniture options, hardware and window treatment ideas. My notebook has lists of items to purchase, estimated expenses, and which stores to shop.

And so, Little One, all of THAT is why I’m not really talkative lately. The hectic schedule has been a blessing in disguise, keeping my thoughts from fixating on whether or not you’ve been conceived. I feel unhopeful, as if I know I’m not pregnant yet again. But there’s always the motherly corner of my spirit that longs deeply for a positive outcome. Maybe this time?  (48 months later…)

Just know I love you. I long for you. and I’m a bit of a mess right now.

Mama